Go first

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I have spent time talking to multi-millionaires, people on the verge of death, people who dedicated their lives to saving others, people who have everything, and people who have almost nothing. By talking to folks from so many different walks of life I was able to notice a commonality between them all. Most people are inherently nice.

Of everyone I have talked to, 99% of them are friendly. I just had to go first.

Although I intuitively understood the significance of going first instead of waiting for someone else to, I did not have a phrase for it or actively practice it until I heard Gabby Reece explain this life-changing concept on the Tim Ferriss podcast. After adopting this philosophy of going first my experiences and connections have drastically improved.

Why go first?

The principle of going first is simple; it puts a significant aspect of life in your control. Instead of waiting for someone else to say hi, or for a dream situation to magically appear, you can go first and make it happen.

Going first can be used in many different situations. From a small gesture like smiling at someone as you cross the street, or looking the barista in the eye and thanking them, to something much bigger like introducing yourself to the person in the room that you are most intimidated to talk to.

• You can go first by saying sorry to your partner after a fight.

• You can go first by telling your boss an idea for a new initiative.

• You can go first by calling a friend you haven’t talked to in a very long time.

• And, you can go first by being vulnerable and having a real conversation that goes deeper than the typical niceties.

Why do we avoid going first?

Humans are pretty funny. We crave attention and compassion, yet we absolutely fear rejection. So we will do everything we can to avoid any potential rejection, even when it comes at the expense of having the connection we crave.

When we interact with others, we will typically wait for a sign that it is okay to proceed.

This can come from: someone else making eye contact, someone else saying hi, or someone else asking for our opinion.

The issue with this is that is it is a cold start problem. While you are waiting for a sign that it is okay to talk, so is the other person. So nothing actually happens, and neither person takes that first step. Instead, each person ends up sitting in awkward silence and both people miss out on what could have been a wonderful conversation, friendship, or more. You can take that first step.

The people that get what they want

You know when you are in the room with a great conversationalist. They command the room and can talk to anyone effortlessly. They appear so charismatic and look so happy. There is a lot of truth in all of that. They can talk to anyone and they are happy because they take will take that first step and start a conversation. They go first.

Conversation Starters

I would like to share some conversation starters I use to help curb my fear about going first.

1. I don’t think we’ve met yet, I’m Brandon

   Explanation: I have always struggled with the cold introduction when it is past the initial meeting or first interaction. For example, when you are at a party, work event, or dinner and you have been in the same room as someone for a while, and now you do not know how to introduce yourself. You both most likely know who each other is, but there is no clear way to be introduced. The “I don’t think we’ve met” is vague enough that it leaves room for either person to state they know of you, or to acknowledge if you actually did meet at a past event.

2. I’m Brandon, by the way.

   Explanation: This works well when you sit next to someone on an airplane, in a class, or at another informal event. This is not an elegant phrase, but the barrier for entry is so low that I do not over-think it. It is simple and it breaks the ice.

3. Hi, how are you (while looking someone in the eye)

   Explanation: This is good to use when you are at a restaurant, coffee shop, or any other place when someone is serving you. By taking the extra effort to stop what you are doing and look someone in the eye while asking how they are, you will show that you genuinely care, how they are. This gives the other person the opportunity to respond with more than the socially acceptable “I’m good, how are you” and will often turn into a much deeper experience.

Summary

You can be just one conversation away from having what you truly desire: from meeting your new boss or life partner. All it takes is overcoming that initial fear of rejection and going first.

Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.
– George Addair

Remember, most people are nice, but they are just as shy and unsure how to start a conversation as you are.

By taking that initial step and going first, you will have a more memorable life filled with conversations and connections that would otherwise not have been possible. So go out into the world and go first.